tainted glass panels

想要的生活怎么有 100 种

2009-10-04T17:42:00.002+08:00

每当我背对星空抱着地球
发现自己其实脆弱不敢说

A different chapter

2009-09-27T20:28:00.004+08:00

I don't like to know too much about how others really think and the light they view me in.

But it appears everybody just don't get it that it is always so beyond me. I cannot bring myself to not probe that bit more about their thoughts, (sometimes) defend myself and think about how I could have managed better. I wouldn't deny that I've changed a lot as compared to when I first entered the school. Then, nothing really mattered to me because everything was really so insignificant. My life, then, revolved closely around schooling, bonding, socializing.. maybe simply put in words, that is having fun. But as time went by, I started taking up positions in school organizations. Much as they are insignificant to many, they meant the world to me. Having been blended into everyone else, these opportunities for me to shine were really what I cherished and held dear. I worked very hard. My heart was all with these 'other activities' that my mum always very casually classified under. Just trying to impress.

Soon, I began being paranoid about how people saw me. I was so afraid that I would lose all the trust and companionship that I cared and felt about so strongly for. I wasn't worried that the rest of the student population would not like me, because I can't live to please all. I so vividly remember that once, I was accused of trying to get into the good books of a teacher by throwing away a classmate's cigarette. But it's just so timely that I was running for presidency of the council at the same time, that is. I didn't want to explain myself because I thought I just had to answer to myself. Within that few days, it stung so hard inside. Till today, I don't feel that I have done anything wrong, but the crux is, it might have been better handled. Which relates myself to the many other incidents which I could have better handled through all these years. I always feel very bad every time but I always don't get to say sorry. They would always smile it off and they might not know the guilt stings. I know I am wrong. But it dawned to me the other day that actually, all these didn't matter to me at all, afterall. To me, I might view myself as the world. But to the school authority, I am now just another student. You know how all these things eventually have to come to an end.

Actually feeling very good in these recent couple of months, on a whole, as a person. I think this is perhaps best for all, really. Besides how it pains me to know that there are people who have totally given up on me, I realise that I can't live to please everyone. That is why I have chosen to let go of some.

I just hope you feel a bit of sorry for your actions too.

now don't think.. you might sprain your brain.

2009-09-19T18:27:00.010+08:00

她需要一种恍然大悟的惊喜
于是放任两颗肺自由的呼吸
慢慢过滤当中腥膻的微粒
挑战在夜里把自己看清

她感谢身处一片灯红酒绿
于是才更想珍惜月的缺盈
那潮汐那生命那可贵的安静
惊喜发生在诚实面对了自己

她不想忘记了她的名
她不想胆怯了失去爱的勇气
她吟唱着真心的字句
找到自己面对世界
她们跳着圆舞曲

think.. it might be a new experience for you.

2009-09-17T22:20:00.007+08:00

it's all been a little messy after school reopened. i thrive very much on normalcy so not facing the music right is very.. by the way, i did really really badly for prelims :( i clearly see how everyone puts it that, prelims is well, definitely not the end of the world and all, and do not understand what it means that the probability of me clearing science is 200% more that of passing maths. but you know, i find it second nature that anyone will feel upset not letting your efforts shine through.. everybody is asking me to start searching for a back up course. i am a bit daunted because i really want to do cmc a lot.. though i admit to have looked at sp's new media for a bit, but my heart still goes out to cmc. but my results are really a far cry from what they expect out of their students so i'm really very very worried.

anyway, a cause for celebration in the midst of all these frenzy.. i found myself! :) that might be that i got a b3 for chem basics test today teehee! mdm choong started doing a satisfaction rating exercise this week nearing the end of each lesson, that is, rate for yourself how you feel the day was for you on a scale of 1 to 3, 1 being unhappy and 3 very happy. yesterday was a 1 for me because i was really confused and lost, i was really pleased and was almost moved to tears when she said, "it's a 3 for me today also.. seeing you all smile so happily and the sparkle in your eyes". it felt really warm and fuzzy all over knowing that i haven't really given up on myself anyway!

it's okie.. why let all these people i don't like now destroy what's ahead of me right! :)

on another note...
Wu fa gui lei came up randomly on my playlist this afternoon and for a moment, i thought it was one of the nicest times i've heard it though i've been listening to it for quite long already! i don't know, maybe now i can really relate to the lyrics haha! quite annoying, but i was playing it on loop somemore!

happy birthday weijian! :)

till then.. i'll be working hard! :)

梦想

2009-09-12T00:14:00.004+08:00

我写了那么长一段。。
可是当我的梦想诞生的时候，他们忙着难过。
所以我的梦想，缺乏了种令大家振奋的勇气。。

最近的天气有一点冷，我就不想出门。
最近的生活并不认真，总是坐着发愣。
偶尔会需要这样的旅程，是我的责任。

只是我颤抖的手一直到现在。

以上。。

Home is where the heart should be

2009-09-10T16:17:00.003+08:00

On this day of your life, Bixuan, we believe God wants you to know...
... that to find out who you are becoming, find stories that move your heart.

Just like a seed has an image of the tree in it, so does your heart have an image of who you are becoming. Look for stories in movies and books that resonate in your heart, and you will find glimpses of your possible futures. What is your favorite story?

Tell me something I don't get

2009-09-05T15:30:00.001+08:00

You've got them on your side now
And they won't change their minds now, they won't
And I'm feeling like we've missed out on everything
I don't want to feel it's worth the fight

Remember me as a time of day

2009-09-04T15:45:00.005+08:00

Well I'm tired a little, I should have to sleep for a little,
To be happy again I'll be, Give me peace a little,
A little quiet a little, I'll be happy again I'll...

When the cold wind starts blowing

2009-09-03T23:21:00.005+08:00

I say, I need to feel stronger… before that, I really prefer to back off a lil… Meanwhile let me just continue to infatuate my folks with my passion for music and life. I’ll make it work.. Somehow I promise.
http://derrickhoh.net/blog/2009/09/552

Through these couple of recent months, I am in a search for myself. 'cause in the midst of all the achieving and losing heart till now, I have lost so many things which I ever held so dear to me. I would think that I have even lost my heart of courage and passion that I once prided myself so excessively with. That was when I really was driven by this 'shit happens' attitude and nothing could really get me down then. Even when I was going through tough patches, I could easily get out of it after talking it out with anybody.

But now it's different. Mr Ong's encouragement board in school is right in saying "You are who you are, not what you are".

So I throw my cards on your table

2009-09-02T22:32:00.004+08:00

Don't be sad
I know you will
But don't give up until
True love finds you in the end

If you can read this, thank a teacher

2009-09-01T23:15:00.000+08:00

All in the spirit of Teachers' Day. :)

How do you know if a person is truly happy?

2009-08-31T21:08:00.003+08:00

when his happiness glows and warms the people around him.

if i'm openly defiant, then what does that make you?

2009-08-28T22:44:00.003+08:00

While waiting for the teachers who apparently failed Math too when back in school to tabulate the scripts, Mr Ong tapped on the Colours Award in brief. To make similar illustrations, one of the awards that he quoted the National Day award. It so happened that a couple of peers just turned around and asked me: "Eh, you got the national day one right?" So I replied no cause I really didn't, then they probed: "Hah but why ah! Why this so and so only got one role can get already but you shoulder the responsibilities of this and that and this and that but why never get ah! So unfair leh!"

I just beamed.

But would nobody would ever ever know that deep inside it hurts just so bad? It's not as if I'm desperate to like you know, get up on stage and get an award, shake hand, pose for picture, bow, end of story. I think to many of the other awardees as well, it's part of the recognition that they should get the award for putting in so much effort and hard work for the school community over the past four years. I'm not saying that I am material for the most exceptional candidate but at least I know I did my best for the school. Right. So it's like giving me two tight slaps on my face, one towards each side and saying "Wa, never seen somebody as stupid as you before lar seriously! Work so hard and you still get no shit in the end".

Sometimes I wished somebody could tell me, instead, "Congratulations, you won yourself cash enough to buy yourself a house and a cow!"

I would and do not want to know the reason behind why I did not manage to be awarded, but I feel I'm smart enough at least, to guess. Again, I feel like a ninja being hung upsides down on a tree when your words echo inside my head, "It would have been better if you spoke face to face with the people involved,". Look who is talking. You might have felt my reluctance to speak to you, or even look at you in the eyes now, in school and feel upset about it. But I want to let you know that it just comes and goes around. What you are feeling now is the trauma that I have been living under for the past, at least one year. Acting like we are the best of friends when I was still of use to you, and when I couldn't be the best person around, there were other not so clever people around too whom you happily made use of anyway. I don't know if they take it personally like I do, but at least now you know that I am not very pleased. From the moment you chose her to do that important task instead of me at the beginning of the year during training, I knew that I would never have a chance anymore, anyhow.

I think you don't know that I know, so I'll tell you that I do know very well why my conduct grade for the mid-year assessment is being pulled down from Excellent to Very Good. Since then, I could only tell you the more you talked to me the friendly way like no hurt has been done to me, the more I despised you. Don't expect me to not know who is behind what. I think I have every right to know anyway, cause I really feel I don't owe anyone anything anymore. That includes you.

But the more I thought of it after I received the report card and knew the reason why, I was already feeling more of unjustified. Let's not mention only that particular training session, but also for the rest of the training sessions. When the others didn't go, did you go find out the reason why, one by one? Just because you already knew that I was going for the autograph session, then you are doing all these? What about the rest who just don't go, and don't even bother offering any explanation at all? I know I am still wrong but at least I owned up to my mistake. Do you chase them? NO YOU DON'T. Do you force them and murder their pride and dignity silently? NO YOU DON'T. Do you pull down their conduct grade? NO YOU DON'T. Do they receive the type of treatment that I get, even after all I've done over the years? NO THEY DON'T. They bleedy don't, do they?

So tell me what I am supposed to have gathered from this resounding, one-in-a-lifetime experience.

I know you feel unhappy that I chose to go for Show's autograph session the other time round instead of training BUT you could have talked to me. In case you didn't and have to know, I felt really guilty at first. Over the years, and all the hour-long one-to-one talks I never told you that I always hated cause no thought was spared for my feelings at all, wasn't that what you always wanted to get across to me? I've learnt it the hard way, and now this is what you are doing. Am I supposed to feel happy? That I've acquired yet another handful of self-learnt life lessons from you? Or? I really feel that our relationship has to be soured now. I feel really sorry cause I have learnt so much from you as a person since I was in Sec1. And now, my mind is telling me "It's okay, she is just saying what she has said cause it's part of what she has to do as a teacher. Now erase them all. Not worth wasting your cells over,"

And that's the end. For everything.

adolescent apathy methods

2009-08-27T19:54:00.005+08:00

I know this sucks to hear but it isn't working out.

It's just part of life

2009-08-26T21:22:00.001+08:00

I like to think I am an optimistic person.. and I very much hope that my blog reflects that as well. And I really really hope that when my name is mentioned, it is a smiling face that surfaces inside your head.

Because I don't feel it is right to live to indulge in self-apathy. Sometimes I pity myself for the situations I'm faced with, just because I feel I do not know how to move on from there. There are pros and cons to weigh, and most of the times I find that the disadvantages far outweighs the advantages, so I'd rather be the one who's undergoing the emotional trauma instead. I think it is second nature to anybody that they feel sorry for themselves when they have gone all out to establish good relations with another certain somebody, and at the end of the day they do not get any appreciation. Instead, in the end you find yourself just giving in, compromising to the person's wishes and being made use of. It is so beyond me and it really hurts so bad. It's a good thing that I have friends who always sit me through my tough patches and I'm really glad that I have them with me through my toughest times, but still there's still how much they can do.

A couple of peers and adults told me real recently that I've not been myself for the past few months. I hope you understand too that if a person stays sane for the longest periods of time, he gets tired too. I'll say I'm quite sick of having to make everyone happy when I'm the only one feeling unhappy in the end. It's just not fair anymore. I mean, I can accept gives and takes, but if it is just only me who is doing all the giving and you are taking it all, what sense is there to talk about? It's not as if you are the only one who lives on the world and faces problems you know. I belong to a family too, I have a set of problems which I call my own too. It feels like from minute to minute, I'm switching one persona for another...

This morning I was most upset. I do not get how people make impressions so easily. Shouldn't the first thing which comes to anyone's head when someone does not do well for her (not pet) subjects is that she is weak at it? And not because it doesn't affect her future at all, hence she is doing it like on purpose? I don't like it. It's not like I'm not putting in any effort. Or maybe I should say that I was never an achiever at all for your subject, hence naturally it occurs to you that you know, doesn't achieve means no effort put in. Anyways, I couldn't be bothered to explain any further. It's factual that I'm not performing and I'll still be in the losing end if I insist that I do and do and do. I put my best foot forward so much that I've almost lost all faith in 'when there's a will, there's a way'. If you don't see it, I really can't say anything.

I really, really hope nature takes it own course. And the course of mine will not take too long anyway. Please.

徐佳瑩白旗

2009-08-25T22:01:00.001+08:00

徐佳莹 - 白旗
词曲:徐佳莹

汤通通都酸掉了
厥他们昏厥过去了
从此我的夏天也开始一厥不振
会喂饱自己就算了
却漏了一缸的原则
脑子里的豆腐渣在偷偷翻滚

我我还不能举起白旗
让你留下证据 YEAH YEAH
看谁先到达终点那一边
我我还不能举起白旗
要不要都看我自己
总会等到能和你分享精彩的那一天

想可以不算什么
约我也一定守着
唱到底的我们就能四季如春（四季如春）
学学成四不像了
却有乱七八糟的特色
脑子里的豆腐渣才正要沸腾

我我还不能举起白旗
让你留下证据 YEAH YEAH
看谁先到达终点那一边
我我还不能举起白旗
要不要都看我自己
总会等到能和你分享精彩的那一天
看谁先到达终点那一边
WHOO~ WHOA~
总会等到能和你分享精彩的那一天

其实站在风口也会想念
没有逆风的方向多遥远
因为在乎才要如此坚决
我要坚强点再坚强点
把你的微笑挂在我手边